Obama Catches On

Well folks, it's been a long election season and this entire time we've just wanted to spread the good word: that John McCain is a robot. 

The campaign is now over and it looks like the humans have trumped the androids.

While Obama's win makes us elated, it's this video, released just before the election, that really makes us smile. 

The Democrats finally caught on and that's what this whole thing was really about.

Mission Accomplished!! (and not in the George W. Bush kind of way).

Fuck Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For The Masochist Within

Cause it hurts so good....

Indulge your inner paranoid masochist with the Slate compilation "Voting Problems, So Far" and read about how black panthers were blocking one Philadelphia polling places with night sticks (that can't be too comforting for Joe the Rural White Idiot), how the Secretary of State of Colorado tried to erase 20,000 names from the voter list (douchebag), and how in one county in New York, the name "Barack Osama" appeared on the ballot (oops!).

A 7 hour wait in Virginia's 32nd precinct? It'll be a long one....

The Face of the Undecided Voter

"Undecided voter"- a euphemism for "stupid person". If you're thinking I just did a Google image search for an ugly dude with a totally vacant expression, you would be wrong.

How wrong? Front page story on cnn.com wrong. He literally is the face of "undecided voters" everywhere.

I'm Freaking Out Man

Do you find yourself unable to sit still? Do you refresh your New York Time's electoral map too many times during the day? Are you compulsively checking the National Review just in case they break some major story about how Barack Obama raped a 9 year old white girl yesterday?

It's not often that I am kept up at night reading about the intricacies of the multi-generational Cuban-American vote in the Miami-Dade county of Florida, so I can empathize.

So without further ado, the JMCR Rx list for election anxiety, to help get you through these final 30 hours.

1) Watch a funny movie, I like "Super Troopers", but whatever floats your boat.

2) Listen to an entire kickass album. Some good picks could be "Another Side of Bob Dylan" or "Dear Catastrophe Waitress"

3) Read JMCR....but like older posts, ya know? Take a trip down memory lane, when McCain-ical was just the "presumptive nominee" and no one had ever heard of Sarah Palin (oh such carefree days!)

4) Plan a va-cay! Friends in Argentina? Figure out a way to go. Been meaning to get on the Birthright bandwagon? Check-it out. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Riiight?

So its a pretty basic list, but my how those things pass the time.

30 more hours to go...... I would normally make some sort of reference to "I Wanna Be Sedated"...if only in a bizarre twist of fate The Ramones hadn't endorsed McCain-ical.

Case Closed

I've always wondered what a robot sucking the life force from a baby would look like.

McCain Candy : Makes Losing a Little Sweeter

Joe the Voter

We are a mere 5 days from a critical election and an important juncture in American history. To use a favored expression from the campaign cycle, this one's a "game changer" and the direction our country decides to go in, I believe, will permanently effect America's place in the ROW (rest of the world).

A message to our readers: VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because if you don't, these people will:

Closing Statements

J-tron is getting desperate. There are 6 days left until election day and all the polls say J is going to lose,  so what's there left to do except grab at tenuous arguments that inspire exactly 7 people in South Philadelphia and 4 people in Tampa. 

Confused? Let me explain: Tonight Obama is airing a 30-minute "closing argument" on most major networks. 

Annnnd the rebuttal if you will...

“No one will delay the World Series with an infomercial when I’m president,” [McCain] said, in Hershey, Pa.

Ah yes, how could Obama not foresee such a zinger coming his way? After all, teams from two swing states are competing for the pennant and what could be more anti-American than delaying a baseball game?

Stupid muslim, terrorist, black guy shitting on our apple pies and delaying a baseball game just so he can become president. The audacity of hope sure is audacious. 

Go Ahead, Make Her Day

"If you honestly think someone with extremely limited experience will solve the severe problems we have in this country then, by all means, vote for Senator Obama. If you want to give complete control of our government to the Democrats who have made a real mess of things over the last two years they've controlled Congress, then go ahead and vote for Senator Obama. And, if you really believe that our taxes should be higher and that government should have a bigger role in our lives, vote for Senator Obama"

We thank Meghan McCain for her permission.

She goes on to say that regardless of your race, gender, socioeconomic status (i know, its a pretty big word, but she did go to Columbia. bitch), and sexual orientation that John McCain will be there for you.

I'm sorry, I'd like her to explain how John McCain is going to "be there" for homosexuals whose inalienable right to get married in California is the subject of a ballot initiative that seeks to draw in Republican AND McCain voters.

And while she's at it, how John McCain is going to "be there" for women when he appoints Supreme Court justices that would curtail reproductive independence.

No matter, she'll be off the trail soon. And its a good thing too, because its not good for your hair to dye it that often.

Finally, We Can Find Out if We're Money

How?

Swingers! Not by watching the movie, but by reading Slate's featured column on all things that swing; from a backyard set to the state of Colorado.

Ever wonder to yourself, "Gosh, I'm not sure I matter that much" (in this election, not in like the scope of history, although....), well at Slate they feel your pain and constructed an interactive guide that factors in your age, race, sex, and education to well....find out if you matter.

My swing rating? 2 out of 100. My worst fears have been confirmed, I'm about as inconsequential as you can get.

Cindybot Thinks Wants Us To Think She's Just Like Us

Remeber that scene in Witches when Anjelica Huston and co. peel off their faces and reveal their witchy dispositions? Now picture Cindy on the eve of election day.

McCain Gets Schooled by Ghost of TR

My U.S. History teacher in high school loved TR. She also loved Bill Clinton ("When you were in a room with him, you felt like you were the only one he was looking at", she was fond of reminiscing and we were fond of cringing at).

But mostly she loved Theodore Roosevelt: founder of National Parks, the bully pulpit, teddy bears, and national food safety laws among other things... (legend has it that while in Cuba during the Spanish-American War of 1899 he came across some gnarly canned meat and all it took was Upton Sinclair to close the deal).

Many labels have become attached to this great presidential legend: maverick, reformer, progressive...hmm sound familiar?

Well, there's one label McCain can't claim he shares with TR anymore. In a recent posthumous interview on what would have been his 150th birthday, TR confessed,

"Q. One last question, Colonel. If you were campaigning now, would you still call yourself a Republican?

A. (after a long pause) No."

Top 10 Robot Weaknesses

Robots are tough.

I mean, they're made of metal, they aren't slowed down by pesky questions of morality or ethics, and they are definitely resilient. This is what makes them such formidable political opponents.

But the robot is not without its weaknesses, and due to J-tron's campaign we can now finally identify in broad scope, what they are. As one of the many public services JMCR has provided our audience in the last 6 months, we are adding a Top 10 list of effective ways to take down a robot, should the need ever arise (who knows what could happen? The 21st century is a world of endless possibility).

#1: An Awesome E-ffing Opponent
A sure-fire way to take down a robot? That's simple, Be Like Barack. Nothing much one can do about their heritage at this point (trust me, if I could figure out a way to be half black, I would have done it years ago), but what you can do is try to be totally awesome and try to have a fair, intelligent fight (a nice layup never hurt anyone either). In this arena, the robot is no match.#2: Robots make really dumb choices.
The robot is not known for its good judgement. Anyone a Futurama fan? No, well below is all the evidence you need. JMCR suggests using this flawed judgement to your greatest advantage by letting the robot self-destruct on its own.
#3: This may come as a surprise to some, but robots generally have a hard time with human relationships, like marriage for example.
Being the wife of a robot is a hard life. Physical and emotional distance compounded by readily available funds for drugs and a harsh media spotlight that encourages concentration camp chic make for one weird robot spouse. How does this fact help defeat a robot? Just think of the scandals!#4: It is a common misconception that robots are immortal.
In fact, quite the opposite is true, and there is nothing more dangerous than an elderly, cantankerous robot who doesn't know he's past his prime. An effective tool here would be to constantly photograph the robot in unflattering light so as to constantly remind him (and everyone else) just how old he really is.
#5: Robots hate economics.
It's a known fact. They're not that well-versed on the subject and it's hardly an area where mavericky risk taking is valued. Use the forces of supply and demand for good instead of evil, a simple chart should do the trick.
#6: Robots need energy.
And not just any kind of energy, they need oil and lots of it, no matter the cost. Too bad for them the world is running out, it's contributing to a massive environmental crisis who's far reaching effects touch on agriculture, disease, and population densities, and we don't have any of it. If the robot doesn't adapt soon, it will die out. Tear....

#7: Cities
Cities are full of godless folk. Fancy lettuce-eating-liberals who wouldn't know an honest days work if it bit them on their privileged urban asses. The good news? Cities and robots are like oil and water. You wanna take down a robot? Lure and trap one into a big city and watch as socially-responsible, eco-friendly, pseudo-hippies listening to GirlTalk trample it in an oblivion of neon and spandex. The revolution will be pod-casted.#8: Hurricanes
Hello? Robots can't get wet, it fries their circuit systems. Not only does this make hygiene difficult, but it can severely hamper disaster relief efforts. No robot is a match for Katrina, or even Gustav for that matter.#9: Morgan Freeman
No robot can possibly contend with the single most presidential/god-like man we've ever seen on the big screen. The idea of a black president started here, with the original and the master. Robots, you best run.
#10: George W. Bush. The one and only. The ultimate kryptonite.
Robots and retards, star-crossed partners, whose actions are always more destructive together than they are apart. So what's the most effective way to best a robot in a duel? First, channel your inner Aaron Burr and drop some Hamiltons (robots love money), then allow him to partner with the mentally-challenged and he won't be able to resist.
I hope this guide proves useful in all manner of robot attacks. Good luck.

Main Street: The Neiman Marcus Is Coming Soon

You might have heard that this election has become about "culture wars".

Its main streeters vs. wall street, real America vs. fake America, clingy religious NRA members vs. arugula-loving city folk. Turns out it doesn't matter much which street you come from, girls will be girls, and girls like to shop.

The Republican National Commitee has doled out an estimated $150,000 on Sarah's new wardrobe. $150 grand at Walmart, how did they manage to do that!?!. Ah, and there's the rub.

That kind of money (you know, like $100,000 more than your average teacher makes), was spent at such high falutin' stores like Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman Marcus, Barney's New York, and, of course who could forget Bloomies. Turns out New York City is good for something....


Those boots were made for walking....all over the advances women have managed to acheive in the last 50 years. They are fabulous though...

J-tron Uses the C-word, Again.

A video is worth a thousand words. 

Will somebody please let this man take a nap?

Coming Clean

J-tron has a silly new feature on his website where you too can aspire to be a plumber. I thought I'd take the opportunity to make a rally sign of my own.

This is way better than the Insta-Terrorist feature on Obama's site, where you can either associate with a shady character from your past or make Hussein your middle name. 

Excuse me, I ordered the Kosher meal

David Sedaris offers this analogy to help us understand undecided voters:

"I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?' To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

Real v. Fake

One of us works in "fake Virginia" and we both live in  "anti-America" parts of the country according to j-tron's senior advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer and Palin-drone, respectively. 

This all coming from a campaign that doesn't even have a human being at the helm. How can we be qualified as fake and anti-American when the campaign isn't even pro-human?

Discuss amongst yourselves. 

JohnMcCainMayBeANazi.blogspot.com

We're not kidding about this whole nazi thing.