Closing Statements

J-tron is getting desperate. There are 6 days left until election day and all the polls say J is going to lose,  so what's there left to do except grab at tenuous arguments that inspire exactly 7 people in South Philadelphia and 4 people in Tampa. 

Confused? Let me explain: Tonight Obama is airing a 30-minute "closing argument" on most major networks. 

Annnnd the rebuttal if you will...

“No one will delay the World Series with an infomercial when I’m president,” [McCain] said, in Hershey, Pa.

Ah yes, how could Obama not foresee such a zinger coming his way? After all, teams from two swing states are competing for the pennant and what could be more anti-American than delaying a baseball game?

Stupid muslim, terrorist, black guy shitting on our apple pies and delaying a baseball game just so he can become president. The audacity of hope sure is audacious. 

Obama Wins!

...with students in grades 1-12.

Obama snagged 57% of the Scholastic Presidential Poll, while rusty robot was left with 39% of the vote after write-ins for Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers were counted. 

I thought kids liked robots? 

Damn elitists who go to school and know how to read and write, voting for a guy who doesn't remind them of the grandpa that sends them $10 on their birthdays and yells at the remote.

The poll has been accurate all but twice since 1940, and there is no Supreme Scholastic Court to overturn voting results just in case one of the schools has a voter disenfranchisement problem or those pesky 4th graders don't know how to use the ballot box.  

Unflattering Angles

No, it's not only the photo. 

Palin-drone is busy winning over voters in Clearwater, FL, the worldwide spiritual capital of Scientology:

"I was reading my copy of the New York Times the other day," she said.

"Booooo!" replied the crowd.

The first erroneous claim that Palin makes is that she reads the New York Times. 

Next, Palin goes on: 

"Now it turns out, one [Obama's] earliest supporters is a man named Bill Ayers," Palin said.

"Booooo!" said the crowd.

"And, according to the New York Times, he was a domestic terrorist and part of a group that, quote 'launched a campaign of bombing that would target the Pentagon and our U.S. Capitol,'" she continued.

"Booooo!" the crowd repeated.

"Kill him!" proposed one man in the audience

Bill Ayers is currently a Distinguished Professor of Education at the University of Illinois at Chicago, College of Education. Boooo education! 

He was once a radical protestor against the war in Vietman and did bomb the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol. He did cause a water leak at the Pentagon and later turned himself into the police. Barack Obama was 10 years old at the time. Boooo water leaks! Booooo ten-year-olds!

Ayers and Obama worked together for education reform and served on a community anti-poverty group together. Obama has condemned Ayers' violent actions. Boooo education reform, anti-poverty, and condemnation of violence! 

A group of McCain-Palin supporters condoning violence towards a remorseful professor and/or Barack Obama. Booooo!

The Neverending Story

The Pennsylvania primaries are today. May Zeus/Yoda/Jehovah/Imhotep save us all.

Tough Room

The presidential candidates all made video appearance on American Idol last night, encouraging viewers to donate to charity through Idol Gives Back. Great, but while Obama and Clinton gave sincere, somewhat inspiring pitches, J-tron tried his hand (claw) at humor. Awkward is an understatement.



Whoever preprogrammed him to say that is totally getting fired (or recycled for parts as they say in McCain camp robot land).

Sore Losers

If your candidate loses the primary, for the love of God/Allah/Adonai/a goat/Vishnu/John Coltrane, please do not vote for John McCain.

There is no such thing as a McCain Democrat...those people are called assholes.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by JMCR.