Friday, May 30, 2008

From Robot to Robot

Rupert Murdoch (the guy who controls Fox News, The Wall Street Journal, MySpace, and the New York Post) predicts that J-tron is going to lose the a landslide to Barack Obama.

Predictions are predictions, but coming from a guy whose lifeblood is fueled by Bill O'Reilly and other fascist luminaries, I would say Murdoch's soothsayer qualities are notable.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

John McCain, Now Controlled By Monkeys

It's true.

Monkeys implanted with special sensors in their brains have learned to control mechanical objects. (seriously, this article is like a manna from heaven for this blog).

Now everything makes sense. It's not McCain, it's the monkeys who want to continue the never ending war in Iraq, retain the Bush tax cuts, and overturn Roe v. Wade.

But the real question here is why?:

Fire man, fire!

(P.S. I know orangutans are apes, not monkeys, but I am taking the liberty to assume that both groups have similar agendas)

Friday, May 23, 2008

Reason Shmeason

We now know who controls robots...

...the religious right.

How else can someone presumably intelligent (as least Artificially Intelligent) provide such an empty response to Ellen's question.

(btw, go Ellen!)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I Am the Eggman

“The first thing [they] will do when they come over is start pushing at you, pressing their heads right into your stomach,” he said. “Don’t let them get away with that. No matter how hard they push, you have to stand your ground.”...

“If you don’t stand your ground, you’ll be knocked over or backed against a wall in no time,” Dr. Schusterman said.

Robots?? Republicans??

Nope, walruses.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Tax Man

The Center for American Progress, a hippie-fuck think tank, published a report yesterday concluding that the McCain tax plan (i.e. the Bush plan) would actually sink the country into the greatest debt we've had since 1950 (atomic bombs are mad expensive, yo)

This isn't no gas tax, and McCain does have his defenders, but instead of backing up their support with um, math (which by the way, I think has become the single most dispensable reality in this election cycle), they just complain about the "liberal front group"

Just because the dudes have Jew-fros and the women perhaps do not shave their armpits as often as they should, doesn't mean they can't also be right.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

"Five people I would invite to dinner (dead or alive) include Lester Bangs, Coco Chanel, Johnny Ramone, Debbie Harry and Ronald Reagan."

-Meghan McCain

One of these things is not like the other....

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Things Can Always Be Worse

Don't you just love it when our generation gets categorized and stereotyped?

We are the "look at me" generation or the "9/11" generation, a group of kids that get discussed in hushed and somber tones ("what on Earth will happen to them?"). 2000-2004 were not only the years of Bush's first term, but they were also the years I attended high school. 2004-2008 were not only the years of Bush's (excuse me while I throw up a little in my mouth) second term, but they were also the years I attended college. Formative years, wouldn't you say? And things get bleaker still...

The new Op-Ed by Bob Herbert does a good job of 1) systematically laying out all of our worst fears and 2) giving us a catchy new name "The Millennials", I like it....less offensive than "look at me" (thanks a lot Newsweek) less depressing than "9/11", there is just a hint of sadness under the surface. Like, look a new millenium, thats cool....wait, things still suck a lot...

My favorite part:
"The Demos study pointed to the very difficult employment environment confronting young adults. Fewer jobs offer the benefits of paid vacations, health coverage or pensions. And moving up the employment ladder is much harder. As the study noted, “The well-paying middle-management jobs that characterized the work force up to the late-1970s have been eviscerated.”

But things could always be worse.... John McCain could be the president in November. (Look Ma, I'm an optimist!)

A Valuable Lesson

"We The Robots" is a comic about robots. That John McCain is one is the subject of this blog.

E ......VoilĂ 

Monday, May 12, 2008

A Robot's Best Friend

The robot shown above is not John McCain, but it may be his new best friend. The robot, dubbed El-E, is a new tool that researchers hope will eventually used to help seniors live a more independent lifestyle (it only plays fetch, it can't administer blood pressure medication or anything).

My guess is McCain will call his Vik-E.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Jo(h)ns: A Play In One Act

Jon Stewart: "So remember how in the last 8 years you have turned into a pandering Republican robot? That blows"

John McCain: " I'm still the same ol' maverick I used to be, now I just accept endorsements from "agents of intolerance" and I no longer champion the issues that earned me that label in the first place (banning torture, campaign finance reform, immigration policy, etc...). I still don't know anything about the economy, just like in the old days, if that makes you feel any better"

Jon Stewart: "Once I was in Half Baked if that makes you feel any better"

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

For The Rest Of Their Lives

The Supreme Court, it is often forgotten, is the most enduring part of a President's legacy. The people whom a President appoints to serve as justices are there for life. FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. For the rest of their lives, these people are charged with what is probably the most important responsibility that exists in government.

As anyone who was a fan of the John Adams series (or has read a book) knows, the world is a far different place today than it was in 1789. Many things have changed since then, not least of all the fact that women and non-whites were lumped in with the lucky ones "born with unalienable rights".

As we reflect on the Democratic primary results, John McCain announced his Supreme Court ambitions, should he become #44. Not surprisingly, those ambitions include appointing judges similar to those who have made the following bad calls:

"Since President Bush chose Justices Roberts and Alito, the Court has ordered Seattle and Louisville to scrap voluntary school integration, protected employers who illegally mistreat their workers, and constrained women’s right to choose and voters’ right to vote. "

And now for the fatal flaw...If he only appoints judges who long to return to the 18th century, how will robots ever become enfranchised? I know Arianna Huffington says that McCain might have voted for Gore in 2000, but how did he even get the right to vote?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Robots and Retards Unite!: A Look Back

Old people/robots have a hard time remembering things: the difference between Shiites and Sunnis, if they oiled their squeaky parts before committing to spend at least 100 years in Iraq, whether they completed favors for lobbyists, if they remembered to update their software and reboot before bed, and who they voted for in the 2000 election.

Well it looks like J-tron forgot to vote for Bush in 2000 (on purpose).

According to princess of the left, Arianna Huffington:
At a dinner party in Los Angeles not long after the 2000 election, I was talking to a man and his wife, both prominent Republicans. The conversation soon turned to the new president. "I didn't vote for George Bush" the man confessed. "I didn't either," his wife added. Their names: John and Cindy McCain (Cindy told me she had cast a write-in vote for her husband).
Although McCain-ical is denying this accusation, as Huff points out:
Through a spokesperson with the colorful name Tucker Bounds, McCain has denied telling me he didn't vote for Bush in 2000. "It's not true," Bounds told the Washington Post, "and I ask you to consider the source."

My sentiments exactly -- because John McCain has a long history of issuing heartfelt denials of things that were actually true.

He denied ever talking with John Kerry about his leaving the GOP to be Kerry's '04 running mate -- then later admitted he had, insisting: "Everybody knows that I had a conversation."

He denied admitting that he didn't know much about economics, even though he'd said exactly that to the Wall Street Journal. And the Boston Globe. And the Baltimore Sun.

He denied ever having asked for a budget earmark for Arizona, even though he had. On the record.

He denied that he'd ever had a meeting with comely lobbyist Vicki Iseman and her client Lowell Paxon, even though he had. And had admitted it in a legal deposition.

And those are just the outright denials. He's also repeatedly tried to spin away statements he regretted making (see: 100-year war, Iraq was a war for oil, etc.).

So, yes, by all means, "consider the source."

I wonder what Al Gore makes of all of this.

Beyond Canada IV: Peru

If John "My campaign is based upon the fact that I was once a war hero and now I don't support a bill that would allow soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan to receive government stipends for education" McCain wins in November, I am going to move to Peru and take part in the burgeoning surfing scene.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Ice Ice Baby

Of all the fun things for sale on John McCain's website, I've found the item that I will be purchasing this election season.

Introducing the McCain ice scraper.

For when your Republican heart just won't thaw after visiting small-town USA or seeing pictures of orphans in Darfur or learning about the devastation in Iraq or learning that welfare caseloads have increased for the first time in the past decade.

Also useful for crushing the pills that fuel your substance abuse problem.

Who The F*&% Is Bobby Jindal?

If you're like me, you've been reading the news recently and been asking yourself "Who the fuck is Bobby Jindal?". His name is being whispered everywhere, like Heath Ledger's on the day of his death (too soon? well, this family walks into a talent agent's office....) .

It's in Kristol's column, its on wonkette and who the fuck is he? In an age when being a Republican has manifested itself in the WORD (White Old Rich Dudes) we get a widely-rumored VP pick for McCain-ical with only 2 out of 4 qualifications.

Ladies and gentleman, introducing Bobby Jindal, the 36 year old American-Indian governor of Louisiana and perhaps this country's next "superfluous excellency"

The idea here is that his youth and non-whiteness will distract voters from McCain's serious shortcomings in both fields. Next up, Bollywood style robot ads...

Practice What You Preach

Perhaps this column is proof that the NYT's Frank Rich reads JMCR.

Rich wrote a nice follow-up to our story, but he missed the part where the McCain-machine used the blood of the whores that Hagee denounced as fuel and Cindy McCain snorted the ashes of a decimated abortion clinic.

Friday, May 2, 2008

And Speaking of C-squared....

Although J-Tron's presidential credentials are oftened questioned by JMCR, it seems as though Cindy actually would make the ideal First Lady.

According to Peggy Noonan in her Wall Street Journal op-ed (The citing of an article that appeared in the WSJ is a historic first for JMCR, Huzzah!) "All first ladies, first spouses, should be like Denis Thatcher, slightly dazed, mildly inscrutable, utterly supportive. It is the only job in the world where "seems slightly drugged" is a positive job qualification "

Keep the Quaaludes and Vicodins a coming and Cindy will be the finest first lady since Nancy.

Remember kids, "Just Say No"

P.S: A big JMCR shoutout goes to loyal reader Mario Sansalone for contributing to this post. We are always open to good robot tips so don't be shy about writing and commenting and maybe you too will get your own shoutout.....

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Remember the good ol' days when being a straight-talking maverick meant calling your wife the "c" word?

Well the saga continues in what I like to call "cuntgate".

When J-tron is asked a question about the whole fiasco, amid a bunch of prudes who scorn our dear inquisitor, he discards the question BUT he does not deny its veracity.

A more simple response would have been "pimpin' ain't easy".

Thursday, May 1, 2008