Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Same As It Ever Was

J-Tron is at it again. Hard to believe, I know, but true. From the man who famously said "economics is something I don't understand as well as I should" we get yet another bad idea (are we just supposed to forget that he actually said that? I mean if I said "high profile political robots are something that I don't understand as well as I should" would you continue to read this blog?)

Hey, everyone, its a Summer Gas Tax Holiday! Like its predessors "pro-life", "death tax" and, my favorite, the teaching of creationism as "educational freedom", the gas tax holiday is packaged in the most appealing of terms.

Turns out, the gas tax holiday, actually will be quite similar to the real holiday season as conjured images of snow-covered evergreens and happy families fade to reality ( so and so is gay/smokes too much pot/ married a goy/got a divorce/doesn't have a job/moved to Micronesia to avoid paying taxes/etc....)

To explain why this gas tax holiday will suck so much, I refer you to a man much smarter than I. I don't understand economics as well as a should, but at least I have enough good sense to refer to my betters.

Tom Friedman does a great job in his column, "Dumb As We Wanna Be" and I urge you to take a look.

Oh, and by the way, guess which Democratic candidate running for president supports this initiative? Let your imagination run wild....

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

John McCain Hungry

Warning: This post mentions Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus

McCain and Obama both did a little schtick at the CMT awards, poking fun at the insane cultural phenomenon that is Miley Cyrus (ew).

While Obama is actually funny and tells Montana that his young daughters love her, McCain (whose kiddies are all growed up) is just plain OLD creepy.

J-tron will eat your children (see post below), and preserve them in a Hannah Montana lunch-box.


Robots and Retards Unite!: Part 3

Its been a long time Robot and Retards Unite! fans, but we're back and better than ever.

Governor Charlie Crist (R-FL-Melanoma) partied like it was 1999 (before sun exposure was linked to skin cancer) with McCain-ical and Cindy at a fundraiser in America's very own vestigal apendage. You may remember Crist from earlier in this primary season when he endorsed The Robot, helping him to finally best Rudy ("9/11") Guiliani.

Way to go Charlie, next time though, use at least S.P.F 30.

P.S: I hate Florida

Monday, April 28, 2008

Beyond Canada III

Since the dollar isn't getting stronger any time soon, it's time to move to London.

Your first exchange from dollars to pounds will leave you heartbroken...but then you'll get a job earning pounds and you'll feel loads better.

Once you change your name to Nigel or Margaret and start rocking out to The Kinks on your iPod (you're foolish if you don't already) you'll feel right at home.

After you get used to tea time and minding the gap you can hang at the boisterous but fabulous British Library. There's flirting! even giggling! and people named Lady Antonia Fraser frequent the place where Marx, Yeats and Woolf used to muse over the rotten state of affairs.

Continue the Modern tradition by writing your own manifesto about how fucked the U.S. is under the tutelage of J-tron.

You'll thank us later.

4 More Years of Suck

According to the most recent Gallup poll, President Bush has the highest disapproval rating in over 70 years of polling (hmm, what was happening 70 years ago? oh right, 25% of the country was unemployed).

This fact alone should, in a thinking society, ensure a Democratic victory in November, but according to yet another Gallup poll, however, Mr. McCain ties or beats both of the Democratic candidates running for president.

There are probably a lot of reasons to explain why roughly 20-25% of Americans who think our country is on the wrong path want to elect a man who will ensure that it stays that way for at least the next 4 years. Ok, well, maybe not a lot....I can come up with 2.

1) People in this country are profoundly stupid (there seems to be no light at the end of that tunnel, by the way, as our public education system is completely screwed).


2) The media seems to revel in their love affair with J-tron. He is the Ingrid Bergman to their Humphrey, the Ellen Page to their Michael Cera. They drop phrases like "maverick" and "straight-talker" as if that alone is enough to separate him from the dying gasps of the Bush administration and their failed policies. The man is a pandering buffoon now people, and the sooner journalists get off the "Straight-Talk Express" and onto the "Reality Railway" the better we will all be.

Read this article by Paul Krugman.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

John McCain, Now Featuring Sexism!

So this woman working at Goodyear realized that she had been getting paid a lot less than her male counterparts. Read all about it here, it's compelling stuff.

Anyway, she brought a legit suit against the company but there was a statute of limitations of 180 days for her to file suit since her first unfair paycheck and she sued way later then that....again, details here.

She was awarded damages but the Supreme Court overturned the ruling due to the statute of limitations thing (hey fellas! sexist pay practices are now only illegal for 6 months and then you're scot free to screw over that lucky gal!)

A bill passed in the House claiming that the 180 days should start with every new discriminatory paycheck but it was rejected in the Senate by 42 senators (Obama and Clinton both voted for the bill).

So now we get to McCain and how he plays into this whole thing...

J-tron didn't vote for the bill even though he says he's familiar with the pay disparity. Instead of suing unfair employers, J-t says women "need education and training, particularly since more and more women are heads of their households, as much or more than anybody else."

So even though women are getting paid less than men despite performing the same jobs, they will benefit from more education instead of stopping discrimination in the workplace?

As Slate pointed out yesterday:
Wow. Hey! We [women] should develop the superpowers of heat vision and flight, as well.

I wonder if McCain-ical shares this with Meghan, she'll pull a Jenna Bush and vote for a Dem. One can only dream.

Friday, April 25, 2008


The caption of this photo from Meghan McCain's blog said: "He just looks so happy and relaxed here. He loves talking about issue that are close to him"

Awwww. Cute wittle wobot.

What do you think J-tron is talking about?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Black Sheep

The great traitors of our time: Benedict Arnold, Judas Iscariot, The Supreme Court circa 2000...Jenna Bush?

While on CNN last night to discuss her wedding, with mama Bush at her side, Jenna "jello shot" Bush declared that she hasn't decided who she will vote for in November.

Yes, the first daughter actually might not vote for the impeding doom that is John McCain.


While wifey was quick to declare that "[her] favorite is the Republican", Jenna said that she was open to learning about all the candidates.

Perhaps J-tron's power is waning after all. Meanwhile, someone is getting sent to her room without dinner.

Beyond Canada II

Some recent unfortunate events in a certain state (rhymes with shmennslyvania), prompted the JMCR bloggers to start wondering aloud what we will do if John McCain becomes the president in the fall because Miss "I will obliterate Iran" wins the Democratic nomination.

Naturally our first response was to start killing bitches. But, when we thought it over more carefully, we decided that this would be a perfect opportunity to expand our Beyond Canada feature.

Rome, Italy: Hot Child in the City

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


In my plan for social security, the key to the lockbox would be hidden in a faux-leather bound copy of The Count of Monte Cristo hidden underneath Trent Lott's car.

Also in my plan, old rich white guys who are married to heiresses should not be eligible to receive social security payments. The figure you see below could be the first year of someone's college tuition or be used to hire a new (read: qualified) teacher at a public school. We are a nation of idiots and McCain-ical is only making it worse....

"The 71-year-old McCain also draws about $20,000 a year in Social Security income."

Someone cue "Never Gonna Get It" by En Vogue

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

McCain's Not The Only One

I'm so angry.

The Neverending Story

The Pennsylvania primaries are today. May Zeus/Yoda/Jehovah/Imhotep save us all.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Opposites Repel

These ads for global warming make JMCR very uncomfortable. Maybe if we actually do something about climate change politicians will be forced to stop sitting on couches making awkward commercials.

Until then we must endure. After watching these (and taking a Xanax after) JMCR wondered who could pair up with J-tron to make an equally unwatchable, vomit-inducing ad...

And we decided on Carla Bruni, the first lady of France. She's the opposite of McCain (hot, French, female, not robotic, a former hippie folk chanteuse, and generally not an angry person).

With her at the helm we could totally stop global warming...and maybe be a little more fabulous too.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


John McCain wants to align with the uber-conservatives but he doesn't smoke pot.

You wouldn't think that to be a problem but little did you know that deceased neo-con champion William F. Buckley Jr. liked to get down with ganja and sail his yacht into international waters so he could smoke pot without breaking the law.

That fact and more brought to you by the Chicago Tribune and specially transplanted here for this blog's "hippie-fuck" base.

Maybe McCain-ical should chill and have Cindy roll him a blunt.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Beyond Canada

This post will introduce a new feature for JMCR. "Beyond Canada" will be an ongoing column in which we muse about all of the places we would rather live if, Krishna/Allah/Athena/Thor/Moses forbid, J-tron becomes the president.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, all white, liberal, hippie fucks threaten to move to Canada and no one ever does it. Well, you've got a point there my friend. But this is different, this is....BEYOND CANADA.....

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Don't Know. Go Ask Petraeus.

According to the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Dana Priest, McCain does actually know the difference between Shiite and Sunni Muslims, he's just really freakin' old and sometimes he screws up. Well, there is at least one thing wrong with that statement, but fine, I'm glad he knows the difference.

But that gaffe (is anyone else tired of that word? political reporting sucks these days), seems like just one on a path of constant national security and foreign policy screw-ups. When asked whether or not he thinks troops should be diverted from Iraq to Afghanistan (oh right, we're fighting a war there too) he declined to answer, tried to pull a Houdini, and dumped it on Petraeus.

Isn't this supposed to be his forté, military strategy, national security, war hero...I mean why else is he the presumptive Republican nominee (I'll give you a hint: Mitt "I'm a creepy Mormon" Romney and Mike "on the last day he rested" Huckabee)

I'm going to go watch Network now.

Robots Are The New Black


Two robots for the price of one!

Not only does Gwyneth Paltrow's photoshopped head make it to the cover of the May issue of Vogue, but check out McCain featured below her left elbow!

The Politicians Before Time

Rep. John Murtha knows the truth. It was reported yesterday that he commented on John McCain's age and then went on to say that the presidency was "no old man's job".

Everyone knows that "old" is just a euphemism for "robot".

Although we are glad to have Representative Murtha's support, we are curious as to whether or not the 75 year old congressman would consider being a congressional representative an "old man's job". We're betting he would.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Master (De)baters

Just how similar are dubya and j-tron? Well, according to the DNC, a lot.

Watch McCainbot v. McCainbot as the two face off in a style that reminds me a lot of South Park's Terrance and Phillip.

We Beat The New York Times!

That's right, we broke a story before the Times did. We may have not been first, but this is a small victory for JMCR.

JMCR favorite Elisabeth Bumiller (she actually got the buildup to Iraq right) tells the tale of what she calls "Farfallegate".

We won't go into the details of the recipe mishandling (read that here), but when in doubt always blame the interns:

By midmorning, the McCain campaign had taken all seven recipes off the Web site and was pointing a finger at an intern who, tasked several months ago with contacting Mrs. McCain’s staff for favorite McCain recipes, had prowled the Internet instead.

“The intern has been dealt with,” said Tucker Bounds, a campaign spokesman, who declined to provide details. Nonetheless, Mr. Bounds said, “we took away his zero pay.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

And Thats The Word

You heard it here first (or second depending on if you read the New York Times obsessively while you are bored at your job).

J-tron just gave a rousing speach in Pittsburgh, PA in which he promised to make the Bush tax cuts (which he, ah um, voted against) permanent and do all sorts of other bad shit to the economy.

Now, even economic novices like your dedicated bloggers at JMCR will tell you that if ol' J wants to be in Iraq for the next 100 years, he's gonna need some money and it would be nice if that money didn't come from China (who really cares about monks anyway?)

I know we've said it before, but I feel compelled to repeat this: If your Democrat of choice does not win the nomination please don't vote for J-tron. There is no such thing as a "McCain Democrat", they are just called assholes.

Thou Shall Not Steal

Remember that BBQ McCain threw for journalists, touting his own recipe for ribs?

And remember when Cindy made that delicious Ahi Tuna with Napa Cabbage Slaw, and Farafalle Pasta with Turkey Sausage, Peas and Mushrooms, and Passion Fruit Mousse for dessert? No?! Well that's because she didn't, but according to Cindy's section of (we're not linking it because no one should ever go there) these are "McCain Family Recipes". False.

These recipes have actually been lifted from the Food Network as the Huffington Post reported yesterday.

So Cindy can't cook. That's no surprise. She doesn't look like she eats much and painkillers tend to curb your appetite, but lying about family recipes is just plain wrong.

First Keating 5, then Iseman, now Recipe-gate.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Q: How Do Robots Get Journalists On Their Side?

A: They back a federal shield law to protect journalists from having to reveal confidential sources during federal grand jury testimony.

McCain continues his love-affair with the media by supporting the Tiffany's diamond ring of legislation for people in the media. Smoooooth.

Wait, Is John McCain A Straight-Talking Maverick?

Below you see the indistinguishable lede to an article in Time about J-tron's penchant for pandering to Republican retards.

"As a candidate who relies on his carefully cultivated image as a straight-talking, maverick, John McCain... "

If I read the phrase "straight-talking maverick" one more time in conjunction with John McCain I'm going to pull a Cindy and steal money from him while cracked out on pain killers and opiates.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Tough Room

The presidential candidates all made video appearance on American Idol last night, encouraging viewers to donate to charity through Idol Gives Back. Great, but while Obama and Clinton gave sincere, somewhat inspiring pitches, J-tron tried his hand (claw) at humor. Awkward is an understatement.

Whoever preprogrammed him to say that is totally getting fired (or recycled for parts as they say in McCain camp robot land).

Thursday, April 10, 2008


"Senator John McCain, who drew criticism last month after he warned against broad government action to solve the deepening mortgage crisis, pivoted Thursday and called for the government to help qualified homeowners with subprime mortgages refinance and get federally guaranteed 30-year mortgages."

I am reminded of the age-old adage: "Republicans can do whatever the fuck they want and get away with it"

Both Sides Now

FDR didn't save the Jews. Bob Dylan was really mean to Joan Baez. Great men (and women) can sometimes do really crappy things. Likewise, some over-the-hill robots who have an extremely poor grasp on current economic and foreign policy issues can sometimes be loyal and compassionate.

Who's biased now?

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

So Old He Uses The Word "Trollop"

This may be the best news we've ever received here at JMCR.

John McCain called Cindy McCain a cunt!

Wonkette tells us that Cliff Schecter's new book, The Real McCain, recalls an incident where McCain just done lost his shit.
Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.
Cindy doesn't realize how hard it is to grow hair when you're made of metal.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Things That Are False

"As for Basra," Mr. McCain told Joe Klein of Time in January that it was “not a problem.” He told John King of CNN while in Baghdad last month that Mr. Sadr’s “influence has been on the wane for a long time.”

Au contraire mon petite robot...

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Met(ic)al Records

Oh Hell Yes.

The NYT tells us that McCainical will be releasing his medical records from 2000 to 2008.

I can see it now...

Software upgrade: $20 co-pay
General body tune-up: $300
Trip to the emergency room for a short circuit: $100
Vicodin ingestion necessitated a system reboot after accidentally eating Cindy's breakfast: $1000

That Senate healthcare package sure is extensive.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I'm Totes Voting For J. M.

Heidi Montag is voting for John McCain. Given her affinity for robots (Spencer), I do not find this information surprising.

What I am surprised by is John McCain's response: "I'm honored to have Heidi's support, and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started".

He's really got his pulse on the youth. Next up, John McCain will address voters from his table at Les Deux.

At least this means LC will have to vote Democrat.

Sore Losers

If your candidate loses the primary, for the love of God/Allah/Adonai/a goat/Vishnu/John Coltrane, please do not vote for John McCain.

There is no such thing as a McCain Democrat...those people are called assholes.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by JMCR.