Grounded

Maureen Dowd has been barred from J-tron's Straight Talk Express aeroplane. 

 

She lost a pill-snorting match to Cindy and then stole McCainical's teeth. When she tried to remove the protective vinyl cover from the couch it was too much for the McCains too handle. 

And That's Why You Always Leave a Note

Keith Olbermann loves Arrested Development–and so does JMCR.
Keith Olbermann thinks Sarah Palin is a joke–and so does JMCR.

Now pay attention.



Marry me.

Robots and Retards Unite!: A Look Back

Old people/robots have a hard time remembering things: the difference between Shiites and Sunnis, if they oiled their squeaky parts before committing to spend at least 100 years in Iraq, whether they completed favors for lobbyists, if they remembered to update their software and reboot before bed, and who they voted for in the 2000 election.

Well it looks like J-tron forgot to vote for Bush in 2000 (on purpose).

According to princess of the left, Arianna Huffington:

At a dinner party in Los Angeles not long after the 2000 election, I was talking to a man and his wife, both prominent Republicans. The conversation soon turned to the new president. "I didn't vote for George Bush" the man confessed. "I didn't either," his wife added. Their names: John and Cindy McCain (Cindy told me she had cast a write-in vote for her husband).

Although McCain-ical is denying this accusation, as Huff points out:

Through a spokesperson with the colorful name Tucker Bounds, McCain has denied telling me he didn't vote for Bush in 2000. "It's not true," Bounds told the Washington Post, "and I ask you to consider the source."

My sentiments exactly -- because John McCain has a long history of issuing heartfelt denials of things that were actually true.

He denied ever talking with John Kerry about his leaving the GOP to be Kerry's '04 running mate -- then later admitted he had, insisting: "Everybody knows that I had a conversation."

He denied admitting that he didn't know much about economics, even though he'd said exactly that to the Wall Street Journal. And the Boston Globe. And the Baltimore Sun.

He denied ever having asked for a budget earmark for Arizona, even though he had. On the record.

He denied that he'd ever had a meeting with comely lobbyist Vicki Iseman and her client Lowell Paxon, even though he had. And had admitted it in a legal deposition.

And those are just the outright denials. He's also repeatedly tried to spin away statements he regretted making (see: 100-year war, Iraq was a war for oil, etc.).

So, yes, by all means, "consider the source."

I wonder what Al Gore makes of all of this.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Remember the good ol' days when being a straight-talking maverick meant calling your wife the "c" word?

Well the saga continues in what I like to call "cuntgate".

When J-tron is asked a question about the whole fiasco, amid a bunch of prudes who scorn our dear inquisitor, he discards the question BUT he does not deny its veracity.



A more simple response would have been "pimpin' ain't easy".

I Don't Know. Go Ask Petraeus.

According to the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Dana Priest, McCain does actually know the difference between Shiite and Sunni Muslims, he's just really freakin' old and sometimes he screws up. Well, there is at least one thing wrong with that statement, but fine, I'm glad he knows the difference.

But that gaffe (is anyone else tired of that word? political reporting sucks these days), seems like just one on a path of constant national security and foreign policy screw-ups. When asked whether or not he thinks troops should be diverted from Iraq to Afghanistan (oh right, we're fighting a war there too) he declined to answer, tried to pull a Houdini, and dumped it on Petraeus.

Isn't this supposed to be his forté, military strategy, national security, war hero...I mean why else is he the presumptive Republican nominee (I'll give you a hint: Mitt "I'm a creepy Mormon" Romney and Mike "on the last day he rested" Huckabee)


I'm going to go watch Network now.

The Politicians Before Time

Rep. John Murtha knows the truth. It was reported yesterday that he commented on John McCain's age and then went on to say that the presidency was "no old man's job".

Everyone knows that "old" is just a euphemism for "robot".

Although we are glad to have Representative Murtha's support, we are curious as to whether or not the 75 year old congressman would consider being a congressional representative an "old man's job". We're betting he would.

So Old He Uses The Word "Trollop"

This may be the best news we've ever received here at JMCR.

John McCain called Cindy McCain a cunt!

Wonkette tells us that Cliff Schecter's new book, The Real McCain, recalls an incident where McCain just done lost his shit.

Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.

Cindy doesn't realize how hard it is to grow hair when you're made of metal.

Met(ic)al Records

Oh Hell Yes.

The NYT tells us that McCainical will be releasing his medical records from 2000 to 2008.

I can see it now...

Software upgrade: $20 co-pay
General body tune-up: $300
Trip to the emergency room for a short circuit: $100
Vicodin ingestion necessitated a system reboot after accidentally eating Cindy's breakfast: $1000

That Senate healthcare package sure is extensive.

Overheard at GW

"I just don't want to die with a Republican in office"

-an aging professor in GW's English Department

grand OLD party

John McCain clinched the GOP nomination last night, surprise!! Here's my favorite line from his victory speech:

"I don't believe anyone is predestined to lead America."

Nope, just pre-programmed.


Wonkette also made a funny: "He will have an energy policy which will be based on using the fossil fuels created by his own ancient bones."

Why So Lonely?

John McCain has a pretty strong showing among the elderly for obvious reasons (he's a time fighter), but little do grandma and grandpa know that McCain has secret powers...

That's right. A new study shows that robots have the ability to cheer the elderly and make them less lonely. All those TV spots and automated phone calls actually provide an emotional bond for senior citizens! Now when your grandmother votes for McCain you'll know she's doing it out of pure robo-love.

He Ol'

Even Wonkette agrees: "The only person alive to see this nightmare scenario [robots fighting the war in Iraq over the next 100 years] will be John McCain himself, who will live to the age of 1 million before his circuit board craps out."