Krinkle Bearcat

Ever wonder what it would be like to be a Palin? Sometimes I do. 

At 22 years old I'd probably be pregnant with my third child, divorced from my first husband (just say no to crystalmeth), and trying to get my mom to hook me up with a state per diem allowance to chill in my own house....

Well a girl can dream....and with the help of the Palin family name generator I'm that much closer to the real thing. Give it a whirl: www.russianextdoor.com

Emily "Krinkle Bearcat" Achler, signing off. 

And if John McCain were a part of the family? Steam Fangs. No joke. 

What Happened?

Perhaps this question is redundant, but it keeps appearing for a reason: What exactly happened to the John McCain of the 2000 election? The veritable maverick who was the unpolitician of his time.

Once upon a time before this decade went down the commode, John McCain was described as a candidate who acted "somewhat in the ballpark of a real human being". Today we can say R.I.P. to David Foster Wallace, who wrote these words (an uncanny predicate to this blog) in his famous coverage of the old (as in, previous version of, not the, decrepit as we know him) McCain. We can, and have, said R.I.P. to the old McCain a long time ago. 

This is a funeral of sorts. The mourning of a politician who used to genuinely inspire and tell the truth. A man who did put his country first and himself last while suffering in a Hanoi prison. This was someone who pierced the cynical heart of Americans, especially after he was taken down by the political machine he set out to fight.

But now we have McCain 2.0. 

No longer spright, we have an aged McCain who has turned negative, smug, and uninspiring. A candidate who makes choices that appease and makes statements that are disconcerting.

No doubt this country is at a loss. Thankfully, there is someone else to fill McCain 1.0's shoes.

Aging: Change We Can Believe In

Don't know that much about old people? Do they really crap their pants? Are driving accidents caused by the elderly under-reported? And what's the deal with their constant voter turnout?

All these questions and more are answered in a Slate special report: Geezers-A Special Issue on Old People. In honor of the oldest presidential nominee in the history of the United States, they delve into a myriad of issues ranging from incontinence to what it feels like to be 100 years old. 

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "But John McCain is a robot. How much information can I learn about him from reading these articles?" Well, as it turns out, old people and robots have a lot more in common than you would think. So start reading and start relating. 

Remember, aging is the real change we can believe in. 

Drill Baby Drill

Duh, robots like drills.

With so much fun to be had, what's stopping us?

The Problems With Pigs and Lipsticks

America's economic, energy, and national security woes are no match for subpar animal metaphors. Or for that matter a Tina Fey/Karen Walker combo of a governor from the least populated state in the union that was only created to act as a buffer between Russia and North America during the heady days of the Cold War. Did I mention that listening to her voice makes me long for the days of Hillary's tired and strained warble?

Governor Palin has referred to herself as both a barracuda and a pitbull (but its ok cause she wears lipstick), but the Palin campaign (oh right, I mean McCain campaign, oops) is now up in arms over a third animal analogy made by Senator Obama. 

The happy go lucky 24 hour news cycles were quick to seize on this perceived gaffe. Obama is a sexist pig for calling her a pig. Well I say McCain is a sexist pig for being a coward and not selecting pro-choice droopy dog wonder Lieberman for his running mate, choosing Sarah "my family can make private choices but others can't" Palin, and acquiescing to the agents of intolerance that control his party. 

Anyway, someone should tell Sarah that lipstick is so passe. Its all about stains and glosses. Women's rights, ya'll....

Q: How is Cindy dealing with the new woman in J's life?

A: A shit load of pain meds. Below we see Cindy's personal crate o' vicodin being delivered to the Xcel Center in St. Paul. How else do you explain the color of the suit she wore last week?

Play Nice

J-tron has a new friend and now he's like all awkward in front of the ladies in his life. Who does he hug first, Miss Cindy or the Bulldog with Lipstick? 

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When trying to act human, do as the humans do.

NYT darling Elisabeth Bumiller (siiigh) explains it further: 

Mr. McCain’s closest adviser, Mark Salter, insisted that there had been no behind-the-scenes stage direction — “Nobody said, ‘Cindy first’ ” — and that no one in the campaign had discussed hugging etiquette or protocol between Mr. McCain and Ms. Palin. “They’re going to behave like normal human beings,” he said. “Nobody ever told him, ‘Just shake hands.’ ”

Behaving like normal human beings? Good luck.