Friday, October 24, 2008

Top 10 Robot Weaknesses

Robots are tough.

I mean, they're made of metal, they aren't slowed down by pesky questions of morality or ethics, and they are definitely resilient. This is what makes them such formidable political opponents.

But the robot is not without its weaknesses, and due to J-tron's campaign we can now finally identify in broad scope, what they are. As one of the many public services JMCR has provided our audience in the last 6 months, we are adding a Top 10 list of effective ways to take down a robot, should the need ever arise (who knows what could happen? The 21st century is a world of endless possibility).

#1: An Awesome E-ffing Opponent
A sure-fire way to take down a robot? That's simple, Be Like Barack. Nothing much one can do about their heritage at this point (trust me, if I could figure out a way to be half black, I would have done it years ago), but what you can do is try to be totally awesome and try to have a fair, intelligent fight (a nice layup never hurt anyone either). In this arena, the robot is no match.#2: Robots make really dumb choices.
The robot is not known for its good judgement. Anyone a Futurama fan? No, well below is all the evidence you need. JMCR suggests using this flawed judgement to your greatest advantage by letting the robot self-destruct on its own.
#3: This may come as a surprise to some, but robots generally have a hard time with human relationships, like marriage for example.
Being the wife of a robot is a hard life. Physical and emotional distance compounded by readily available funds for drugs and a harsh media spotlight that encourages concentration camp chic make for one weird robot spouse. How does this fact help defeat a robot? Just think of the scandals!#4: It is a common misconception that robots are immortal.
In fact, quite the opposite is true, and there is nothing more dangerous than an elderly, cantankerous robot who doesn't know he's past his prime. An effective tool here would be to constantly photograph the robot in unflattering light so as to constantly remind him (and everyone else) just how old he really is.
#5: Robots hate economics.
It's a known fact. They're not that well-versed on the subject and it's hardly an area where mavericky risk taking is valued. Use the forces of supply and demand for good instead of evil, a simple chart should do the trick.
#6: Robots need energy.
And not just any kind of energy, they need oil and lots of it, no matter the cost. Too bad for them the world is running out, it's contributing to a massive environmental crisis who's far reaching effects touch on agriculture, disease, and population densities, and we don't have any of it. If the robot doesn't adapt soon, it will die out. Tear....

#7: Cities
Cities are full of godless folk. Fancy lettuce-eating-liberals who wouldn't know an honest days work if it bit them on their privileged urban asses. The good news? Cities and robots are like oil and water. You wanna take down a robot? Lure and trap one into a big city and watch as socially-responsible, eco-friendly, pseudo-hippies listening to GirlTalk trample it in an oblivion of neon and spandex. The revolution will be pod-casted.#8: Hurricanes
Hello? Robots can't get wet, it fries their circuit systems. Not only does this make hygiene difficult, but it can severely hamper disaster relief efforts. No robot is a match for Katrina, or even Gustav for that matter.#9: Morgan Freeman
No robot can possibly contend with the single most presidential/god-like man we've ever seen on the big screen. The idea of a black president started here, with the original and the master. Robots, you best run.
#10: George W. Bush. The one and only. The ultimate kryptonite.
Robots and retards, star-crossed partners, whose actions are always more destructive together than they are apart. So what's the most effective way to best a robot in a duel? First, channel your inner Aaron Burr and drop some Hamiltons (robots love money), then allow him to partner with the mentally-challenged and he won't be able to resist.
I hope this guide proves useful in all manner of robot attacks. Good luck.

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